I went for a walk today. Third day in a row where I’ve managed a 30 minute walk. At the advice of a friend, I started seeing a therapist to help me deal with my grief – I saw her last week, and again today. She told me that on my walks, to look around as a child looks around when outside – noticing things that are weird, or out of place, or beautiful. So today I noticed that some of the leaves are just starting to change colors. I even saw a few that had turned bright red. I also noticed that the road across the street from us has a storm drain running underneath. And I noticed that one of the houses across the street has a sage-green door. Sage made me think of the sage tea that I had to drink to stop lactating…. Over the weekend, I also took a hard fall while out walking (I’m clumsy) and while out walking, I ripped off the band-aid – trying to give my wound some fresh air.
The therapist also gave me a small journal and asked how I felt about writing. I told her that is definitely not a problem for me; that I’ve been a writer as long as I can remember. She wants me to write down three things I am grateful for each day.
I’ve been back to work and today was confronted with a customer who had been getting quite riled up around an issue in my absence – he likes to get people spinning. I’ve been working with him for nearly 9 years, so I sent him an email on the side and said look, I was out of the office unexpectedly, and this is what happened to me – and my coworkers have been trying to help but I wasn’t able to communicate the issue properly before I became unavailable. That shut him up quickly. Then I felt really guilty for a bit – like I was using the situation. But then I remembered Brene Brown’s words to assume that we are all trying to do the best we can – and that everyone was doing the best we could for him, and he needed to be reminded of that.
Then for another does of normal, Theo told me yesterday that the kid who sits next to him on the bus kept trying to take his baseball cap. I asked Theo if he had told the kid that he didn’t like it, and Theo said “Yes, but he kept doing it.” Unfortunately, they have assigned seats on the bus, and also this kid is at our stop – so Theo wants me to talk to the kid’s mom. Theo recited for me the “steps of anti-bullying” that he learned at school: 1) say stop 2) walk away 3) tell the teacher. Well, he did the first two as best he could. Now I guess it is my turn to step in.
The therapist noted that I used the words several times like “moving on” – she said “no judgement” but asked me how I felt about saying those words. I told her I was ok with it – as much as I recognize that I will be forever changed by what happened, I also recognize that I need to keep moving forward – that the world isn’t going to stop.