I think I was hit harder by my OB/GYN appointment on Friday, even than what I anticipated. Even though nothing I heard was surprising, I found myself very emotional all weekend. I saw some friends on Saturday night and Sunday, and that was a good distraction but my mind kept slipping back to those horrible days, now more than three weeks ago.
So as a self-created distraction, I painted the office that we had intended to be the nursery. I knew immediately that I could not look at that room, knowing what it was supposed to be. Plus it was a horrible shade of yellow with a goldenrod accent wall (no joke) so the color needed an improvement anyway. On Saturday, Ger took Theo to the Field Museum and Quentin stayed with me. I let him watch a movie while I taped the edges and applied the first coat of paint to half the wall. On Sunday Ger watched both kids while I finished the room. The room has huge floor-to-ceiling windows, but no overhead light. Right now it the color is very dramatic, but been hard to appreciate because it has been overcast so the room is a bit dark. It was measured today for a potential new floor – looking at a very bright, blonde hardwood laminate floor to brighten it up even more.
It was a good project anyway – I felt accomplished when done.
My mood was not helped by tripping across additional ultrasound photos. I had some from the 20-week ultrasound – the one where we first found out that something was wrong. In the back of my head I knew they were around somewhere, but even at the time they were hard to look at. I’d put them in my “incoming mail” slot and found them this weekend as I sorted through everything. It stung to see them, but I tucked them away in her box with everything else.
I wanted to find something to talk about not related to our loss in any way – but I can’t. I’ll have to leave it at that for today.