I have said several times over the past week that “I am comfortable with my grief.” I feel like that was an important realization for me: that I know I am grieving, that I know that there will be things that catch me off guard and make me very upset, and that I don’t try to hide it or pretend that I’m ok when I’m not. I mentioned it to my therapist today when she asked me how I’d handled certain situations (like my birthday weekend). I told her that the tears flowed, but I let that happen and had my moment. Still working on the guilt though.
Like this week. I’ve been thinking about writing since Monday. And I felt guilty that so much of my writing has been centered around my grief for the past six-ish weeks. This is my space to record my life and remember things, and I was having guilt that I have hardly talked about my boys at all – that they have become a sideline to this ever-present grief. I made a small vow to myself to write about the other things in my life. But also had to remind myself not to feel guilty.
Theo’s behavior has been challenging as he exerts independence (I blame kindergarten). I feel like he is constantly trying to “outsmart” me and it is exhausting. He lost his TV privileges yesterday and went down to play in the basement and found him playing with the LeapPad. He gave me the big wide eyes and said “You didn’t say no LeapPad” – though I know he knew better. Fair enough – next time I will specify “no electronics.”
Quentin had his Fall program tonight. He LOVED being on stage – biggest smile on his face. Completely different from a program he had at 2.5 where he sat on the teacher’s lap the entire time. Looking at the group, I think he was one of the younger kids up there. His teacher has been one of my favorites of ALL of the teachers for both kids. She started the program by saying: “Parents, thank you so much for sharing your children with us every day – they are such a joy.” She has always comes across to me as someone who truly loves teaching kids.
|Last kid on the right is mine.|
Ger just told me that he might have to travel for work next week – a first in the five years that he has been with his employer. The timing sucks. I’m exhausted just thinking about it.