Carried

My week did not improve much and now I feel completely buried under its weight.

My session with my therapist hard.  She had me look into the future, which was incredibly painful and difficult, knowing that the future isn’t what I had imagined it would be.  Whereas I had spent the past few sessions being more reflective and able to articulate how I felt, this session had me choking on my sobs.

I have been sleeping incredibly poorly.  I have been haunted again by “flashbacks”.  This time it is remembering sitting in the office of the Maternal Fetal Medicine department, where I was sent for a confirmation ultrasound that there was no heartbeat.  And when the doctor left to get me admitted to the hospital, I had to make a series of phone calls.  I’ve been flashing back to those phone calls and needing to tell the people that I loved what had happened.

I read an article yesterday entitled “Everything Doesn’t Happen for a Reason.”  The phrase I took away the most is from another website called Refuge in Grief: Emotionally Intelligent Grief Support.  The quote is: “Some things in life cannot be fixed.  They can only be carried.”  I needed that line, at that moment, because it so summarized this week in particular and everything that I am carrying around.

I have a board on Pinterest where I’ve been collecting things that touch me – articles, phrases, some that I have found, some that people have sent to me.  The board was originally entitled “Loss” but I changed it to “Love Always.”

I went to Quentin’s Halloween parade at school this afternoon, and it was another one of those unexpected moments.  Seeing all of the babies paraded around in tiny Halloween costumes hit me way too hard.  Luckily it was outside and my sunglasses hid my flood of tears.  Then I saw my own little guy with the biggest smile on his face and wiped them away so that he wouldn’t see me cry.

I distracted myself this evening by rearranging furniture.  More about that maybe tomorrow.

 

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