First Appointment

My first OBGYN appointment on the 18th was much harder than I thought it would be.  On the drive to the office I started crying fiercely, reliving the entire experience of hearing that our baby was gone.  I debated bringing Ger with me – I thought that if something was wrong, I would want him there.  But then I also felt that bringing him would be like admitting the possibility that something could be wrong when the likelihood was that everything was fine.  In the end, I went alone.

Then I had to fill out a pregnancy history – including miscarriages and stillbirths, and cried again in the waiting room as I had to fill out “Nelle, 21 weeks, stillborn.”  The nurse noticed my demeanor and asked if I was nervous and I told her that I was.  When she asked why and I told her, she came over and gave me a hug.

The doctor that I saw was the same doctor who did my delivery in September, so I did not have to rehash much.  I told him that I was scared; scared that while I’m nauseous and vomiting, I’m not as nauseous or vomiting as much as previous pregnancies.  He told me that I got lucky this time.  Certainly does not help my nerves.  I’ll be seen by regular appointments until 18 weeks, at which time I’ll start seeing a high-risk specialist.  But he told me that if at any point in between those monthly visits, if I feel like I need an extra visit for an ultrasound or to see a heartbeat, just to let them know.  I have visits scheduled through March, and avoided the doctor who told me that my last baby had no heartbeat like the plague.  I’ll avoid him the entire time, if I can.

Then I reviewed the After Visit Summary in my electronic chart and had to look at all of the classifications surrounding my visit.  “Supervision of high risk pregnancy.”  “History of stillbirth.”  At least I am familiar with the OBGYN group and know they will take good care of me.  When I mentioned to the doctor how hard it was come back he said “Some people don’t come back.  It is too hard, and they switch practices.”

I called to schedule the “extra appointments” for reassurances that the doctor told me that I could do.  The nurse who spoke to me acted like I was asking for something completely foreign and it got harder and harder for me to talk the longer I was on the phone.  I finally scheduled an appointment for next week to hear the heartbeat but what I really want is an ultrasound to measure growth.  However, since talking to the nurse on the phone did not get me very far, I will talk to the doctor again when I go in for my regular appointment on January 15th.  Or maybe having an ultrasound done that day will make me feel better.  But yesterday’s conversation only served to make me feel awful.

I am relieved that my nausea has returned.  I wasn’t able to much enjoy a nice dinner that Ger and I had at Ditka’s last night, but I was honestly grateful.  Apparently the nausea just decided to subside a few days for Christmas.

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