In the few moments after I learned that Nelle had to heartbeat, I managed to ask the doctor what would happen next. First Maternal Fetal Medicine to confirm, then Labor and Delivery.  Somewhere along the way, I was told that I would be in a special part of the L&D ward, for women who were not going to be taking their babies home.  It was more removed, but not so far away that I was protected from hearing babies’ cries.

Recently, I was reminded of another sound from that day. After yoga, the instructor of the day plays her music of choice. This week, it was The Piano Guys. The last time I listened to The Piano Guys (other than an occasional song on my plaudits) was in the L&D ward.  I was likely more than sixteen hours into labor, maybe closer to eighteen. The waiting was unbearable. I couldn’t sleep and I wasn’t allowed to eat.  Ger slept and it infuriates me, but at the same time I couldn’t bear to wake him and force him to face the experience. I finally found albums by The Piano Guys on Amazon Prime and listened to the soothing songs. Over and over for several more hours until it was over.

There were a few times when I was afraid. I didn’t know what to expect. I asked for the doctor but was told “he is delivering a baby right now.”  Because of course a living baby would be more important than mine.

I left the ward for women who were not taking babies home in a wheelchair. Another women was checking out of L&D at the same time. She was holding her baby.  The nurse quickly wheeled me in the other direction so that I wouldn’t have to see her. Wouldn’t have to listen to a baby’s coos.

Then there is the sound of the wind chime.  It was sent to me after we lost Nelle by a woman who lost her full-term baby in utero.  I listened to the music today as it swayed gently in the breeze.

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