The Parenting Things I Don’t Say Now

 

IMG_4979

On August 13th, I saw a previous social media post I had made in a past year:  “Raising tiny humans is exhausting.”  I thought “What was I thinking?  That doesn’t sound like something I would say.”  Completely something I think in my head, but felt a bit out of character for me.  Then I saw the year that I wrote it and thought “Oh.  That explains it.”

A few days ago, I saw another post: “Pregnancy = valid reason to wear leggings All. The. Time.  I’m so comfy.”  Now, I wear leggings daily.  Of course, the year of the post gave me the context.

Both were in 2015, when I was pregnant with Nelle.  On August 24th of that year, we learned in a routine ultrasound that she was growth restricted, measuring only 16 weeks during my 20th week.

I still quip and complain about parenting, but not in the same way.  I don’t have that same humor anymore.  It is slowly coming back, now that Autumn is over a year old, but I spent so long trying to bring a baby home that any complaints about parenting took a backseat.  Being exhausted by parenting when I now know so many couples struggling just to become parents of living children after losing a baby feels uncomfortable, given the tribe that I am in.

And after losing Nelle and then Iris, I faced pregnancy weight that I couldn’t easily shed.  Leggings became my daily wardrobe, after I had been firmly in the “leggings are not pants” camp.  It has never gone away.  I crave comfort in a way that I had never previously considered.

Not only that, but I never posted anything in my social media about my pregnancy with Autumn.  None.  It wasn’t fathomable that I would complain about the aches and pains, or sleeplessness, or ill-fitting clothes.  When the OBGYN would ask how I was doing and I would reply that I was having morning sickness and vomiting after every meal, I would always be met with sympathy and offers for medication to help and I said “It’s fine – I don’t care.  I’m happy to be pregnant.”

August 24th, 2015 in the early afternoon, when our lives changed forever.  I went into the appointment assuming it would be routine and our world began to unravel when I came out.  Ger almost didn’t go to the appointment: we already knew the gender, so he thought “Why bother?  It’s just an ultrasound.”  But I told him that this was the anatomy ultrasound and if something was wrong with our baby, this was the appointment where it would be found.  I didn’t actually believe that was the case – I just wanted him to be there like he had been for our other two children.

Tense moments with the ultrasound tech, talking to the doctor, and a decision for an amniocentesis on the spot and I can’t imagine if he hadn’t been there.

I look at the clock and think “It’s almost that time.  It’s almost that hour when we went from one life to another life.”

 

 

Comments are closed.

Website Powered by WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: