Back and Forth

It is back and forth, back and forth
Between too hot and too cold
A room frigid one day
Smothers in heat the next

The night travel back and forth between sweet dreams and hellish nightmares.

I dreamed of my next ultrasound. I saw my baby on the monitor, fully formed and even clothed, smiling back at me. The doctor was the same one who did the ultrasound that told me that Iris was gone, and as we both looked at the happy baby on the screen, he said “There. You see? Everything is fine.” That was a few nights ago.

Last night, I dreamed the opposite. The monitor showed another loss. I started telling people. I had a meeting at work and couldn’t find away to interrupt hot tempers to say “By the way, I lost another baby.” In my dream, I wasn’t crying. But I was struggling with knowing that it was the end. We agreed that this would be the last attempt at a third child, and losing the baby was somewhat expected, but accepting that it was over sent my dream-self spiraling.

I woke up during the night from that dream. For a moment, I was sure it was real and had already happened. It took me a moment to re-acclimate myself to the present and realizing that it was only the stuff of my nightmares, even though my nightmares have come true in the past.

It is like that in the days leading up to my next doctor’s appointment, which is today.  There is no “normal” for me at these appointments.  There is only “looking for problems.”  Another ultrasound to check growth, additional testing that can now be done at this point in pregnancy, then waiting a week for results.  No indications of anything wrong, but just par for the course for me.  We would rather know sooner than later if there is an issue.

I was awake before everyone else and took a shower.  I let the water run over me for what felt like the longest time, and then looked at the clock and realized that it had only been minutes.  It occurred to me that I am expecting this appointment to be normal, but I really shouldn’t.  I should begin to mentally prepare myself for the worst.

For a brief time yesterday, I was not sure if Ger would be able to go with me to the appointment.  He had a tooth pulled, is on painkillers, and was nauseous.  Theo was sick, so the other scenario was that Ger would need to stay home with him.  But Theo woke up feeling better, and Ger only has mild dizziness, so I will drive and we will both go.  The appointment is in an hour and a half, but it feels like a lifetime from now.

Yesterday, I was trying to find a title for my blog post, and sometimes I open up my music library and hit “shuffle” to see what catches my attention.  The first song to come up was “Every Story is a Love Story (Reprise)” from Aida.  It was so striking for the moment.

And their story
And my journey
And the lesson they provide
Draw their strength and inspiration
from a love that never dies