Right now, I am drawing a bath. I’ve had two glasses of wine. Later, I will hope that melatonin and essential oils will calm me to sleep.

I should be snuggling my baby right now, still an infant. The room that is currently an office should have been her nursery. I cringe when I think of it as still an office, versus what it was supposed to be. I would breastfeed her. Ger and I would alternate who handled which kids, every night. We always have. One parent would tuck in the older kids. The other would tuck in the baby, after feeding was done. We did this with both of the boys, from the day they were born. We wanted them to be equally comfortable with either parent. We still do this. It was Ger’s night to tuck in the kids. So I cleaned the kitchen and took a bath.

Or I would be in the third trimester of my pregnancy. Likely still anxious as I approached my due date. Unsure if I should set up the nursery yet. I would be starting to plan my longer-term work projects around my impending maternity leave.

I had to look at toys in our playroom this past weekend, as we attempted to declutter. Toys that my kids have outgrown, but we were saving for the next child. Do we continue to hang on to them, in the hope of “maybe, someday…”? My kids were supposed to be 6 years old, 4 years old, baby. Now, even IF… The gap would be much larger. That isn’t what I wanted. The things we don’t choose.

Instead, I took a bath. I could hear Theo asking “Daddy, where are my Pokemon cards?” Instead of being awakened tonight by a hungry baby or the discomfort of pregnancy, it will likely be nightmares.

I stared at the swirling water. I skipped hot yoga, the first day of my period, yet another reminder that I am not pregnant. Somehow hot yoga and menstruation and my mood seemed like a bad combo. Instead, I tried to sweat it out in the Jacuzzi jets of my tub. It was far from comforting after thinking about what should have been.