Three Things

“Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we’ll ever do.” -Brene Brown, from Rising Strong

I received three things in the mail yesterday:

1. A bill for $675 due to Maternal Fetal Medicine. I have to meet my deductible before they start paying anything on maternity care. And I need this appointment every month and my deductible is $3,500. And that was only for the ultrasound – I haven’t received the doctor’s bill yet.
2. A card from the hospital pregnancy and infant loss support group, acknowledging the upcoming anniversary of our loss. For most people the day will quietly slip by. Maybe not this year, the first year, but in future years it will likely be a day that only we remember.
3. A leather wraparound bracelet, imprinted with the words “There is wonder & There is bravery & There is hope.” A gift from my aunt, so startlingly perfect in its timing and message.

I have been unable to shake a massive headache for the past day. Maybe it is the trifecta of the full moon, lunar eclipse, and comet. Maybe it is pressure from the temperature changes. Maybe it is approaching the day she was born. Whatever the reason, my head won’t give me any reprieve and I eventually stumbled into nausea, something that I haven’t experienced for almost a week. I choked on my own vomit.