Hit Me

It hit me hard, and unexpectedly. Friday evening, I was getting ready for bed and thought to myself “Today, I am 14 weeks, 1 day pregnant. Nelle was born at 21 weeks, 1 day. So I am 2/3 of the way as far as my last pregnancy.” Somehow, thinking those words hit me like a torrential wave. I began sobbing, so hard that I had to sit down on the bathroom floor. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, and I couldn’t stop. I think I have been focusing so hard the past few weeks on mitigating the stress of this pregnancy that I have not allowed myself any moments to grieve. But I sat on my floor, with as much pain as I felt in those first few hours and days after she was gone. I thought how I never got to meet her, never got to know what she would be like. I cried so hard that I eventually threw up.

The past few weeks have not been easy. The nausea has subsided, but at 14 weeks I don’t feel movement yet, so I am back to the empty, wary feeling of “nothing.” Hopefully I will start to feel movements soon. I am apprehensive about the mid-pregnancy ultrasound, where we found out last time that something was wrong. The swell of news around Zika virus terrified me for days until more information came out and I think now I have sufficiently calmed down. Time creeps by. Still so many weeks to go.

I tried to find some joy in memories. My Timehop reminded me in January of when I first learned that I was pregnant with Theo. I posted cryptic messages to Facebook, but now I look back and know what they meant. Today’s post was “going to move out of the stinky kitchen” as I calculated I would have been probably about 7 weeks or so, and nausea was likely taking over.

And today marks a huge milestone – I celebrate 10 years with my employer today. What a journey it has been. When I first started, I was a newlywed and recent college graduate (only married 2 weeks prior and only graduating 6 weeks prior).

I think a long bath is calling my name tonight.