Avoiding New Material

In late August 2015, I stopped reading new books.  I couldn’t do anything, really.  I had learned that my baby, at 20 weeks of pregnancy, was measuring way too small.  After initially feeling confused and a bit scared in the doctor’s office, waiting for test results and the next appointment were unbearable. My mind volleyed back and forth between “everything will be fine” and “my pregnancy is over.”  Mostly, I felt the latter.  I knew in my gut, though the doctor was careful in her explanation, that the severity of the growth restriction meant no positive outcome for my pregnancy.  Continue reading

Sacred Love

“In all this world, there is no love for you like mine.”  -Maya Angelou

Reading has always been important to our family.  We read to our babies from infancy.  We have reading time every single night.  Bookshelves fill our rooms and words fill our children with wonder, transporting them to different worlds. Continue reading

Making Soup

2016-08-31 Making Soup

From a kids’ book called Tear Soup by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck DeKlyen:

The next morning as Grandy was cleaning up, Chester asked her if she was done making tear soup.

“Well, I don’t think you actually ever finish.  The hard work of making this batch of soup is almost done though.  I’ll put this back in the freezer and will pull it out from time to time to have a little taste.

…I’ve learned that grief, like a pot of soup, changes the longer it simmers and the more things you put into it.”

I woke up thinking the words: “They are on Planet Earth.  You are on Planet My Baby Died.”  Somehow these words had been entangled in my dreams, and I woke up with them exactly on my lips. Continue reading

A Changed World

2016-03-02 A Changed World

“I was living in a rainforest.  I knew the trees and the frogs, the lush green life.  With no warning, I got shoved into the desert.  I know this is the desert.  So take back your plastic palm trees and your cups of water; quit telling me it’s the same.  I know better.  I know where I live.”  -Megan Devine, from collected journals

The desert has many teachings.

In the desert, turn toward emptiness,
fleeing the self.
Stand alone, Ask no one’s help,
And your being will quiet, Free from the bondage of things.
Those who cling to the world, endeavor to free them;
those who are free, praise.
Care for the sick, But live alone,
Happy to drink from the waters of sorrow,
To kindle Love’s fire
With the twigs of a simple life.
Thus you will live in the desert.
-Metchtild of Magdeburg, excerpted in Jane Hirshfield’s Women In Praise of the Sacred

Added to today’s prompt, about a week ago, I wrote about an excerpt from Cheryl Strayed’s Tiny Beautiful Things the following:

“Don’t listen to those people who suggest you should be ‘over’ your daughter’s death by now… Some of those people believe they’re being helpful by minimizing your pain.  Others are scared of the intensity of your loss and so they use their words to push your grief away.  Many of those people love you and are worthy of your love, but they are not the people who will be helpful to you when it comes to healing the pain of your daughter’s death.  They live on Planet Earth.  You live on Planet My Baby Died.”

The metaphor of the desert still implies that I am co-existing on the same planet as people who have not been through a significant loss.  I prefer the metaphor of another planet.  Even within the past week, I have come to be aware of other planets that people visit, such as Planet My Spouse Died, or Planet My Best Friend Died, or Planet My Grown Child Died.  We are all orbiting in the same galaxy, but all distinct.  I do not pretend to have visited any of the other planets, nor understand their language of loss.  What we do all have in common, however, is that we have (unwillingly) embarked on this journey of grief.  Every journey is unique, but we can travel alongside each other.

This morning I reacted badly to a comment that someone made to me.  He is on his own grief journey right now, and he said “It’s all part of life and we grieve and then we move on.”  My initial reaction was “HOW can I move on?  How can I possibly move on?  How can I move back from Planet My Baby Died to Planet Earth?”

Then I thought about it a little more, and realized that what he said at face value is not how I have to internalize the words.  “Moving on” does not mean that life is the same as it was before.  “Moving on” does not mean forgetting.  “Moving on” could be interpreted as “moving forward” and I recognize that life will continue to move forward and that I need to move with it.

I also realize that everyone’s loss journey is different.  Loss hit me in a certain way because of my experiences; my interactions with the world; my interactions with other people.  I can form no judgement about how this person approaches his own loss, because it is not the same.  Not every loss is life-altering.  Mine is.  But this is not the first loss in my life.  It is only the first loss where I was catapulted to another planet.

Somehow, eventually, I have to figure out how to live on Earth again.  Learn to breathe Earth’s air and speak Earth’s language.