Covering Up


I began hot yoga back in March of 2016, mere days after I had been medically cleared to exercise again following Iris’s birth.  I was in a complete fog, on antidepressants, and going through the motions of the days without caring about much. Continue reading

What I Enjoy

I had a dream about yoga the other night.

I pulled up to my studio. The owner was working the counter and I breezed past her. I entered the hot room with it’s delicious 105 degrees, and then I remembered. I couldn’t be there. I was pregnant.

I tried to make a quick exit, but the owner saw me. “Are you leaving?” She asked, surprised. “Yes,” I replied. “Well, I’m pregnant so I can’t do hot yoga.” She was on the brink of congratulating me when I added “You know I lost two babies. I have two, and I lost two. So this one… we’ll see.” I had only briefly mentioned my losses to her, shortly after I started yoga. She had praised my dedication in those early days, coming to the studio three or four days a week. I tearfully told her that I’d recently had two pregnancy losses and had a lot of self-loathing toward my body and was trying to punish myself. She awkwardly did not know how to respond.

She asked me when I was due and I replied “August 15th. So I should probably be back in October. If I’m back sooner than that, you’ll know it did not end well.” I got into my car and pulled away quickly.

Then I woke up.

I miss hot yoga, so much. I miss the intensity and the focus that the class required. I miss the 90 minutes of self-awareness and escape.

It’s 2:30 am and I am wide awake. The muscles in my legs are aching and cramping and my body feels tight. Anxious today, I paced around my living room. A walk would have been better, but the weather did not cooperate and it was raining. If only I could do my hot yoga. If only, if only.

Conversation with a Stranger

2016-09-07 Conversation with a Stranger

I went to yoga yesterday.  After the emotions of the weekend, I was not sure that I was ready to go back and put that much energy into 90 minutes, but I forced myself to go.  The instructor was one of the more interactive: she constantly offers encouragement and corrections during the dialogue.  During Standing Separate Leg Stretching pose (Dandytamana – Bibhaktaeada – Paschimottanasana), she came over to me and kept saying “lock your knees, lock your knees, there you go – you got it!”  The exertion caused a cramp in my leg, so I had to sit out the next posture, but then I picked myself up and kept going. Continue reading