Unburdened

I do not believe that “everything happens for a reason.”  I do not really believe that anything happens for a “reason”.  Life just happens.  There is no reason that this happened to me or to my family.

 My burden comes from seeing others. I am burdened by constant visualization a of people with their babies, or pregnant women. Happy, carefree people. 

 

I have had horrible thoughts toward these people. I am so bitter that they have what I wanted, and still want.  I watched through tears as several women gave birth around my due date with Nelle.  Even pregnant with Iris at the time – it still stung.  Now I will have to watch other pregnant mothers as I approach my due date with Iris.  I can’t even look at photos on Facebook – I quickly hide the triggers from my news feed. But I know the information is still there, even when I cannot see it. 

 

I know that I am not obligated to be happy for everyone in my life.  But my bitterness is a heavy burden.  I was caught very off balance by a woman recently, basking in her pregnancy and the ease with which she seemed to be pregnant.  She had four beautiful children of her own, and was pregnant again with a fifth – as a surrogate for someone else. The news hit me hard and once again I had to be reminded of what I did not have and my pain. I could not be happy for her. Then she lost the baby. And the guilt consumed me.  Never, in a million years would I wish my experience on anyone else.  I wished I could take back all of my negative thoughts. I reached out and told her how sorry I was for her loss.  And though every grief story is unique, that I understood her pain. And I cried for her.  If she happens to ever read this, I want her to know how desperately sorry I am. 

 

As I wrote this, the man next to me on the plane received a text. An ultrasound photo. Followed by another text with the words “our sweet baby girl.”

 

There is burden surrounding so many aspects in co-existing with pregnancies and babies.  The burden is in accepting that life is sometimes grossly unfair.