Emerging From the Depths

It's a heavy weight.

Image created via Midjourney

I've ignored this blog for (checks calendar). The longest I've ever gone without posting, by far. In the past, there were times when I felt like I didn't have much to say, but still managed to write something at least once a month.

This time is different. I've had plenty of thoughts, but have been crippled by anxiety. After the U.S. election in November, I feared the worst. I feared for my family and the people I love.

These aren't conceptual fears. I fear actual harm to people.

The day after the election, my teen was crying. It's wrenching to watch your child in pain and know that their fears are justified.

There's nothing quite like watching a public figure spew hate and make people feel "less than" – because they are people of color, LGBTQ+, women, people with disabilities, etc. — and then watch the country say, "Yeah, well, we care about the price of eggs more." And that same segment of the population was uninformed enough that they didn't realize that there was no real plan to fix the price of eggs.

I can't force people to care about others. But people voted against their own self-interest, without even realizing it. And now they've hit their oh-shit-what-have-we-done moment.

Meanwhile, my anxiety is off the charts. It's a privilege to exist day-to-day and only worry about the price of eggs. And not have to worry that your existence is further marginalized or erased.

And I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling like every day is a kick in the teeth. A gut punch. A new realm of fuckery.

I can feel the weight in my shoulders and when I try to fall asleep at night. Yet, I have to keep pushing back against hate and intimidation because my kids need me.

But deep down, I'm so tired.

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