Enough Was Enough a Long Time Ago

Yesterday was a hard day. It was Nelle's birthday. I was hit so hard, like I am every year. People reach out, share messages. I post something on social media because I want to raise awareness. I want to talk about pregnancy loss, and this culture of silence, and the lack of parental leave. It matters.

Then, in the afternoon, I heard that there was another school shooting at Apalachee High School in Winder, Georgia. Two teenagers and two teachers were killed.

I broke down and started sobbing. It felt like the day was just too much. Ger suggested that we go out for a walk, but I couldn't even bring myself to put one foot in front of the other, even if the air might have helped the tightness I was feeling in my chest. Instead, we sat in the backyard for a bit.

I'm so angry and frustrated. I feel helpless. Enough was enough a long time ago.

When Sandy Hook happened, back in 2012, the day stopped. I remember it was midday and I was working (at home). I felt like I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. I don't remember if I watched the news or not. Probably not. I probably just checked various headlines, but I couldn't watch.

I hugged my kids so tight that night and I couldn't stop hugging them. But that was more than a decade ago. My oldest was a toddler and my middle child was an infant. They didn't know and they weren't aware of what happened.

Yesterday, I felt like I couldn't hug them. They're the ones who have to live with the threat every single day when they go to school. They're the ones who practice for active shooter drills. I don't know if they saw the news or not. But I couldn't put additional stress on them, no matter how much I was hurting.

And when Uvalde happened, I froze and stopped. I couldn't look at anything. And so many others. Parkland. Virginia Tech. The list goes on and on.

I'll never forget a tweet I saw years ago from someone who was at the Parkland Reunification Center. He wrote:

And we send our babies back to school, to relive that trauma. Students from Parkland returned to the school mere weeks after the massacre.

CNN reported that the shooter at Apalachee High School left the classroom. When he returned, the door was closed. A student got up, saw the gun, and wouldn't let him into the classroom. So the shooter went into the classroom next door.

THAT'S what we're asking our kids to live with. That their acts of self-preservation resulted in their survival and other people dying. And it's not just the kids in the building. It's that district, and the district next door. Thousands of kids in this country who now know someone who has died. A fellow student. A teacher.

So now this day, Nelle's birthday, is going to be even harder. Every year, I'll be thinking about how my daughter died. And that it's the day other people's children died as a result of gun violence.

I don't understand the continued inaction and how politicians continue to sacrifice our children. It's an act of cruelty.

This morning, I was headed back to the house after my morning walk. I saw my middle schooler crossing the street, headed to his bus stop. I told him to hold up, jogged over, and gave him a hug. My oldest left the house without saying goodbye. And I had a pang in my chest all day, thinking, "What if....?"

Responding to the Reoccurring Tragedy

The most widespread and impactful change will come from those charged to lead us.

Musings Out LoudAnna Burgess Yang