So Excited for the Walk
I get to show up for my daughters.
Today was the annual Walk to Remember, an event hosted by the local chapter of SHARE Pregnancy & Infant Loss support. It was a gorgeous fall day, sunny and warm.
I thought back to prior years. I first attended the walk back in 2016 after losing both Nelle and Iris. But this is only my fifth walk. 2017 was rained out. 2020 and 2021 were virtual due to Covid. Last year, we were in Disneyworld.
This was the 20th Walk to Remember (a fact that wasn't as emphasized much at the event!) It was started by four women who wanted to do something after their babies had died. It occurred to me that those women have now lived with grief for more than 20 years. And I have lived with mine for nine.
Last night, Autumn said she "couldn't wait" for the walk. She had a big grin on her face. Then, with a more serious expression, she said, "I miss my sisters."
In past years, I've found myself frustrated at the walk. The kids will say that they're tired or bored or don't want to walk (1.5 miles). It's already an emotional day, so hearing anything negative would feel like it ruined the event for me.
This year, I gave everyone a pre-walk talk. I let them know that this event is very important to me and I wanted NO complaining. They're all old enough to comply. Plus there's food. And it worked – everyone was on their best behavior.
Nine years later, and the tears still flow. We listened to our babies' names read aloud. Nine years later, and I still think about the daughters I don't get to hold in my arms.
It's a bit surreal to be surrounded by 900 other people and every single one knows a baby who died. Either their own baby, or grandbaby, or another family member, or a friend.
Just in the past week, my oldest had theater rehearsal, my middle child had honors chorus, and Autumn had gymnastics. My living children demand my time and attention in so many ways
The walk, and these few SHARE events I attend throughout the year, are the times I get to show up for Nelle and Iris.
Anna Burgess Yang