Taking a Day Off

The day still hits hard.

Image created via Midjourney

Thursday was Iris's 9th birthday. I saw the date approaching. I should have opted not to work that day. I can control a lot of things about my schedule.

But I didn't. A client gave me an assignment. I had another deliverable on Friday and Monday is a holiday (so kids home, impossible to get anything done). I could have said, "I'll get that to you on Tuesday." But I didn't. I agreed to deliver it on her birthday.

The first half of the day was fine. I posted something on LinkedIn about pregnancy loss, like I always do. Every year, I'm touched by people who reach out — many sharing their own stories of loss.

By afternoon, I knew that working was a mistake. I was sluggish and unfocused. I knew that I'd have to work into the evening to get the work done.

We usually get a cake for her birthday. But we'd ordered Valentine's cookies for a school fundraiser and they were sent home that day. It felt weird to have a cake and cookies. So we sang "Happy Birthday" as we ate the cookies. But I found myself regretting that we hadn't gotten a cake. Like we'd shortchanged Iris in some way.

After dinner, I sat down at my desk to finish my work. And I was hit by a colossal headache. Relentless pressure at the back of my head. I don't know if it was grief or just fatigue, but I knew I couldn't work. As a professional writer, a clear head is everything.

So I lay down. I fell asleep for about two-and-a-half hours. I woke, knowing I had to finish my assignment. I don't turn in stuff late; it's what I'm known for as a freelancer. I may turn it in close to midnight, but I turn it in on the due date.

I forced myself to get the work done and send it to my client. It resulted in a terrible night's sleep.

I woke around 5:00 a.m. (my normal time) feeling like I'd been hit by a bus. I could have maybe fallen back asleep, but realized that I'd forgotten to set out the Valentine's gifts I'd gotten for my kids. My living children. They'd be waking up soon. I got up and put the gifts (some small plushies and candy) on the kitchen table.

I texted a friend, mad at myself, that I hadn't taken the day off. She said, "Why don't you put it on your calendar? I know you do that for other things." After all these years, I don't know why I don't just block off the day. I had a similar bad day last year. I tell myself that it will be fine, and then it's not fine.

It's on my calendar now. Annual event on February 13th: "Iris's Birthday - No Work."